I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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