so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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