I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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