i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
