im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
