we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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