My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i came on her dog
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
