I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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