I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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