textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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