The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
