i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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