i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
