Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sober January is a disaster.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The air taste purple.
Randomize
