before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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