...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
