Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
