I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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