I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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