and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
