Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
