Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
