just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
