I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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