I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
