yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
