Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
