My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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