My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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