Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
