I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
