You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
