I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize