So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
