Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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