I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
