My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
