You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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