I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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