god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
