When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
