i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
