Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
