Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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