I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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