Just fell off a train. Bad.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
