I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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