I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can I color on your dick again?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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