I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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