Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
