he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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