How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
