oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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