So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
