I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
