PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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