Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
