wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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